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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My Answer to Phishing

One of the drawbacks of advertising my e-mail address on my blog is that it attracts a large amount of phishing e-mails. You know, e-mails sent by less than descent human beings for the sole purpose of obtaining more information from you with which to dupe you into giving them your money. Fortunately the individuals who send out these e-mails are from the bottom half of the spectrum on the common sense and IQ scale so it does not take a genius to figure out which e-mails are of the phishing variety.

Here is an example of a phishing e-mail:

Johannesburg. South Africa,
Tel: +27- 74-1855-920

My name is Mr. FRANKLYN LOCOMBO {Jr.}, the elder son of Mr. Franklyn Locombo of Zimbabwe. It might be a surprise to you where I got your contact address; I got your contact address from the South African chambers of commerce. During the current crisis against the farmers of Zimbabwe by the supporters of our President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white owned farms and the few black farmers who are against his party in our country, he ordered all the white and black farmers who are against his system of leadership to surrender their farms to his party members and their followers.
My father was one of the best farmers in the country and knowing that he did not support the president's political ideology, the president supporters invaded my father's farm burnt down everything, killed him and confiscated all his investments. After the death of my father, my mother and I with my younger brother decided to move out of Zimbabwe for the safety of our lives. We took along with us the money my father kept in the safe in my mother's house, which amounted to the sum of US$45 Million United States Dollars to the Republic of South Africa. The funds are presently being kept away in the secret vaults of a private security firm based here in Johannesburg South Africa.
My mother and I have decided to contact any reliable overseas firm/person who could assist us to transfer this money out of The Republic of South Africa, because we as asylum seeker here in South Africa cannot open an account of any sort, this is why we need you to travel down to south Africa to open a non-resident bank account in your name where the funds will be deposited before on-ward transfer to your nominated overseas account. If my proposition is considered, for assisting us to transfer this money to your country, we will offer you 20% of the total fund, 80% will be for me and my family to invest in your country under your supervision. All expenses incurred will be deducted from the 80%. For detailed information, you can contact me.
Best Regards,

If I was to respond to said e-mail I think my response would be kind of like this:

Dear Mr Locombo

I would like to point out that since your old man bought the farm (excuse the pun) you do not have to put the letters "jr" in brackets after your name since you are senior now.

You are right about me being surprised with regards to you getting my address from the South African Chamber of Commerce. In fact, I am surprised since the SACC does not even have my contact details. Boy oh boy oh boy, am I surprised.

I am sorry to hear about the death of your father. Fortunately you do not seem to carry any psychological scarring from the event. I am also overjoyed to hear that you escaped with your mother and brother. Did you use the 18-wheeler truck to transport the four hundred and fifty thousand $100 bills from your farm or a train if it was Zimbabwean currency? I would also like to know where I can get a hold of the firm that built your room-sized safe for all that money.

Thank you for deciding to contact me and for noticing how reliable I am. The $4 million I embezzled from my last job was never proven anyway and the rumours of me stealing from the Salvation Army are greatly exaggerated. I thank my lucky stars that there are people like you with such a keen sense of who you can trust around.

So Frankie, I hope you do not mind me calling you Frankie since we are on such a friendly kiss-ass level now. I unfortunately do not have the time to come to South Africa to open that bank account since I am too busy sifting through the hundreds of phishing e-mails people send me. You know, people who do not have your outstanding human qualities. Thank you though for thinking of me, but I suggest you donate the money to some worthwhile charity.

Have a warm and fuzzy fantastic day.

Werner Klokow (Jr)


kattbox said...

Oh lovely! In future I am forwarding all my spam to you for witty replies. Just what you wanted to hear.

My favourite spam mails are the ones offering to either make my girlfriend scream or increase my penis size. Considering I am a straight female, making my non-existent girlfriend scream holds no appeal and anatomically, the second option... well, hello?

Another tip if you want one, don't type out the e-mail address in its usable format. Rather use: wklokow at yahoo dot com.

RobC said...

Well done Werner!
I also ponder these requests once in a while... just before I send it into the spambox.
I believe one has to "answer" one on occasion, sort of using a mental punchbag to take out one's frustrations at getting the stuff in the first palce.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Absolutely love it! Almost as much as i love u! heehee

Jou suster wat nie kan wag vir jou om huistoe te kom nie!!!!

The pale observer said...

Great blog, great come back to the scammers - not sure if you are familiar with the great site 419 eater? A Brit spends his time beating the Nigerian scammers at their own trade. Great reading.

I'm a Canadian living and working in Ghan for the past 12 years. Found your blog via another one called The Road to The Horizon. Will keep you on my list!

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