Wednesday, February 15, 2017
The Bowling Green Massacre - A day that will live in infamy (or not)
On 30 February 2016 one of the most heinous crimes ever was perpetrated upon the American public by four Extremist Chimpanzees from Syria (Virginia) when they went on a no-shooting spree killing absolutely nobody, but destroying the dreams of thousands of refugees wanting to enter the USA.
Waye, Kelli, Anne and Connie wanted to teach the students of Bowling Green University a lesson because the Dean, Chester Fancypants, decided to withhold all bananas from the four monkeys described by locals as intolerably cute. So cute in fact that it turned out to be dangerously cute.
On the morning of 30 February various students described hearing the terrifying sounds of "absolutely nothing happening". Apparently the no-shooting spree started at approximately the same time as when a taxi angrily blew its horn at an inconsiderate pedestrian probably named Percy and ended about twenty minutes later at precisely the moment nothing else happened.
Police were not notified and did not show up. The local university security guard, Dickie Cox, found the four monkeys directly after the incident in their cage. Waye was humping Kelli and Connie was grooming Anne. The air was thick with the sound of bored monkeys.
The day has been described by the Trump Administration as a day that no American should ever forget and that no refugee should either be made to forget - for their own good and for the good of all Americans. SCROTUS (The So-called Ruler of the US) attempted to find 30 February on a map, but failed miserably and blamed it on Chimpanzees everywhere.
The end - or is it?